I’m torn between love and my career

This week’s problem

I am on the last stretch of a masters degree and would like to pursue a doctorate. I am interested in a UK university for the greater flexibility there seems to be there compared with US and Canadian schools. My girlfriend is a dentist, cannot practise in the UK and is against long-distance relationships. I’m torn between love and my career. How would you approach this? Male, 20s

Jonathan’s answer

Resolving this conundrum will require negotiation with yourself and with your girlfriend; each of you could start by considering your own views, to explore just how fixed they are. In your case, what might be fixed includes studying for a doctorate now, in a specific location, and staying in this relationship; for your girlfriend, she may be set on being a dentist, not in the UK, and not in a relationship that is long-distance.

The underlying issue is how your current partnership operates. Similar to corporate law, think of your partnership as having a separate existence to the individuals involved. What do you each think is best for the partnership? You may decide to invest by upskilling one of the partners (maybe with a doctorate), continuing revenue generation from the other partner, while keeping the two people under one roof.

By “flexibility” in a PhD, do you mean, for example, duration, part-time options, weekly or monthly commitments, or something else? When considering a higher degree, priorities to consider usually include supervisor, institution and subject. Given your girlfriend wants to stay in North America, assess all the schools on that continent to see if there is even one that could enable you to study the subject you love under an inspiring supervisor, and maintain the partnership.

In the US, a 2009 study reported that 90 per cent of marriages last 5 years and 60 per cent last 20 years. If your proposed partnership is to flourish and last for two decades, you’ll either both have to compromise or one of you will have to accept the other’s determined choices.

It might be time for a serious conversation about what you each want in life and what is important to each of you, not just in terms of work and career but in social and family life, and overall purpose. Write these down separately and then compare them; you’ll discover how invested you both are in the partnership and where you might each be willing to compromise.

Far from being cold and calculating, this goes to the heart of your question. Taken at face value, your question implies that your girlfriend may not be prepared to compromise; if you are set on a PhD in the UK, then follow your dream. If the partnership is strong, it will endure three years’ partial separation; if not, then your paths will diverge as you each follow your own purpose and meet people with whom you share more.

FT readers respond

Either she is the one or she is not, clarify this with yourself first. A long-distance relationship has a beauty of its own; it allows you to explore your relationship and yourself in a different way. Don’t waste her time and yours, if either of you is not serious. NH

You are torn between love and career. But I’m afraid to say, your girlfriend seems not. And she’s probably right. At your age, you should both be focused on your careers. Funnymoney

Jonathan Black is director of the Careers Service at the University of Oxford. Every fortnight he answers your questions on personal and career development and working life. Do you have a question for Jonathan? Email him at dear.jonathan@ft.com.

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